Tl;dr - It is a necessary condition to be empathetic, the sufficient condition is to ask the right questions and challenge the right things.

Becoming Senior.

One of the Software Engineering proclivity (and I’m sure many other proclivities beyond) forever looks at this path with (albeit many many other emotions, but) great longing and excitement and an additional massive helping of impatience. However, akin to the other fallacies of youth, the path to growing and becoming more senior is one filled with truths un-learnable from the places of youth.

It follows then, that I have inevitably learned a little and with the obnoxious tendencies that make up my personality, I write this article with a force for you, the reader, to choke down with contempt.

Before the checkpoint

There have been a series of unfortunate events.

That’s correct. None of this was my doing.

I did not want to learn hard lessons. (who the fuck does?)

Alas, here we are, a sprinkling of poorly worded criticism and a dash of apathetic comments such as:

• Exhibit A: “Why did you do like this? It doesn't really make sense to me."
• Exhibit B: “What makes what you’ve shown me now a platform?”
• Exhibit C: “I’m pretty sure the way you’re proposing to do this violates {principle z}”

I promise too, that I said this with a polite tone (mostly, I think). So what makes these seemingly inconspicuous sentences a checkpoint? What do I need to change here?

A good question with a simple answer. which for at least some individuals my age and younger, won’t make a lot of sense (fallacy of youth and all) and some my age (but wiser) and older will look at as a simple obvious fact.

It doesn’t matter how noble your intentions are, how aligned your goals are with other people or how close your relationship is with them. If you say something that they find distasteful or disagree with, they’re going to have a bad taste in their mouth. They simply will not like you.

Or so you will feel.

(Okay, there will be a good few that definitely will not like you, but let’s ignore those).

If you’re anything like me, this won’t sit well with you and you’ll feel really bad. Additionally, if you’re anything like me, you won’t really give a fuck (which will make you feel more horrible). You have a high standard for how things need to be done. You hold yourself to it, so what gives others’ the excuse not to?

I’ll tell you. Nothing.

But wait…

Why does this sound so petulant, even though I know these are the right questions to ask as an engineer?

The checkpoint

Civility and humbleness, and most importantly, empathy are not things that you need an excuse or reason to have. They should be the starting point. The necessary condition.

Humans are not binary. Its an obvious statement but not any less useful because of it. The person you’re dealing with now is not the person you dealt with yesterday, or even a couple of hours ago.

The jokes that worked with your peers might not work with your juniors. Your juniors become other juniors’ seniors. Things evolve. The only thing constant is change. We get caught up in a river paradox where your label of something implies that it’s one thing (like how we can call it a river, but if you look at any point in that river at any time, by definition, the water you’re seeing is not the same as you’ve seen before).

Realizing you need to always adapt when you’ve spent so much time growing is not easy. You do feel a lot more self-assured when you finally get there though.

After the checkpoint

My musings and astonishment at seeing people who I consider as being my role-models being so patient with people that I measure to be lacking in skill have finally reached a conclusion.

I might be good, but I’ll never be good enough.

I’d like to think that wisdom and patience go hand in hand, and that inherent patience is a sign of wisdom inherited from learnings instantiated by my empathy.

It is a necessary condition to be empathetic, the sufficient condition is to ask the right questions and challenge the right things.

So it follows, if my empathy could lead to this much needed growth, what’s stopping it from being utilized in my pursuit to not come across as a dick when asking hard questions?

I’ll tell you. Nothing.